


Gloom

by evilwriter37



Category: How to Train Your Dragon (Movies)
Genre: Depression, Gen, Near suicide attempt, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-07-19 04:00:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19967689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evilwriter37/pseuds/evilwriter37
Summary: After the events of The Hidden World, Tuffnut struggles with depression and nearly takes his own life.





	Gloom

Tuffnut Thorston sat alone at dinner. The Great Hall on New Berk was for friends and family and companionship, but recently, he’d been feeling like he had none of those. He sipped his mead as he watched Ruffnut with Fishlegs. They’d just gotten married, and couldn’t seem to get enough of each other. They were feeding each other at the moment. Gross. He glanced farther down to see Snotlout sitting with Valka, still trying to woo her apparently. There had been a time in his life where he had thought that he and Snotlout would be partners for life, that they could do anything together, but that had broken off, and it seemed Snotlout had barely paid him any attention since, unless he was being mean to him. Even farther down there was Hiccup and Astrid, sitting and talking, smiling, laughing. Tuffnut wished he could do that. It’d been a month since he’d really laughed, maybe a week since he’d cracked a real smile. He took a long swig of his mead now. 

He’d barely touched his food. What was the point really? He wasn’t quite hungry. He still ate just to keep his body running, but the motions felt mechanical and it felt like he wasn’t enjoying anything. For the past two days he’d hardly been able to taste his food.

Tuffnut felt like no one noticed when he stood and left the hall. Maybe one day they would have, but not anymore. He didn’t matter anymore, especially without a dragon. He wasn’t special. He couldn’t be one of the Dragon Riders when there were no dragons. Was that the only reason his so-called friends had liked him? Because of his ability to ride a dragon and fight? There had been no fighting either, no invasions from anyone because no one knew where they were. He vaguely wondered if Hiccup had contacted any of their allies to let them know, but he wasn’t going to ask him. No point interrupting him and Astrid, especially when he was already heading out into the cool of the summer night.

He headed towards his house where he lived alone. It had been meant to be a fun place, a place for only men, he said. A place where men could just… do what they wanted, which also meant each other. Tuffnut liked men. He couldn’t recall ever having a crush on a woman, and any time he tried to look at a woman the same way he would men, he felt disgusted. Not at the women. No, of course not. Thinking of them romantically and sexually was just not for him. It never had been and never would be. Men were much more attractive and alluring. Sure, they could be gross, himself included, but wasn’t everyone gross? Nothing wrong with that.

Then there was Snotlout. He still pined after Snotlout. He was short and angry and everything he liked. There was Eret as well. Oh boy, he was  _ hot _ . Tall with a deep voice, a good warrior, dry sense of humor that tended to go over people’s heads. He was good too. Hm… maybe Tuffnut didn’t really have a type. Could  _ men _ just be his type? Was that a thing? Eret was with Gobber though, most likely. They spent most of their time together now, laughing and getting in each other’s space. Hiccup was very good looking as well, but Tuffnut supported him in his marriage. At least, he thought he had, until he’d ditched him and started spending all his time with Astrid. 

Tuffnut got home, didn’t bother lighting any candles or lanterns. It was harder to have light without dragons, so what was the point? He kind of liked the darkness anyway. It seemed fitting, like it matched the cloud of black inside of him. He didn’t even check on his chickens before getting in his bed. He knew they had plenty of food, as he’d fed them earlier. He usually liked spending time with them - he really liked chickens - but it just felt exhausting lately.

He undid his braids from where he kept them around his chin, letting them fall to either side. He felt at his chin as he did every night. He wanted a beard, but he didn’t know why he seemed incapable of growing one. That was another thing he liked about men. They could grow facial hair. He couldn’t though. What did that mean about him? Did it make him less of a man? He certainly felt like it did. He was single and without a beard. How  _ could _ he be a man?

His bed was big. He’d hoped for a partner to share it with, but it was empty save for him, the rest of it cold. It felt much too big, like it was swallowing him. That would be okay if it did, if it just took him into some dark abyss and made him disappear. No one would miss him if he disappeared.

Tuffnut didn’t disappear though. He just closed his eyes and went to sleep. At least in sleep he didn’t feel.

  
  


Tuffnut didn’t wake all on his own. There was someone shoving him, a familiar voice calling his name.

“Huh?” he got out blearily. He blinked open his eyes, found Ruffnut standing over his bed.

“Men’s place only,” Tuffnut mumbled. He rolled over and away from her. “Go away.”

He could almost hear Ruffnut roll her eyes as she sighed in exasperation. “Dude, you’ve just been telling everyone to go away recently.”

“I have not.”

“You have. What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“Mm-hm.” Ruffnut sat on the bed, yanked on one of his braids. That made him give a yelp at the sudden stinging in his scalp and sit up to face her.

“Hey!”

“Talk to me, bro.”

“No. Leave.”

“Tuff?”

“I know you don’t really care about me,” Tuffnut told her. “That no one really does. So just go.”

“Is this because I got married?” Ruffnut asked. “Ew, hate that word. Who thought it would ever happen to me?”

“Never gonna happen to me.”

“You just haven’t tried hard enough.”

Tuffnut snorted bad-temperedly. “Sure. You just try marrying a man when you’re also a man and it’s against the law.”

“I’m sure Hiccup could bend some-”

“Yeah, because Hiccup cares  _ loads _ about me. That’s why he’s giving me googly eyes all the time and why I’m pregnant with his child.” Tuffnut laid back down, rolled over again. “Oh, wait. That’s Astrid.”

“Well, you can’t stay in bed all day,” Ruffnut said. “Your chickens need you.”

“Nah. They can just eat me when I’m dead. Chickens are omnivores. Saw one swallow a rat whole the other day.”

“Chickens eat meat?!” Ruffnut cried. “Fuck, that’s cool!” She cleared her throat, having forgotten herself, getting serious again. She nudged him. “Come on, dude. We can go blow stuff up.”

“No.”

“We can go play around with Gothi’s potions and make super weird ones.”

“No.”

“We can-”

“I  _ said no. _ ”

Ruffnut went silent at that. The two didn’t move. Tuffnut could feel something in the silence, like she was prodding at him, asking what was wrong, telling him to really open up. They could share thoughts sometimes, (everyone thought they were lying, but  _ they _ weren’t twins, so they had no way of knowing), but Tuffnut was doing his best to lock his away. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, and that meant mentally too.

“Go away, Ruff,” he finally said after putting up with her silent prodding and questions.

“Fine.” She stood briskly. Tuffnut listened to her footsteps retreat down the stairs and then the door slam shut behind her. He closed his eyes again, wishing he could go back to sleep, but he had things to do, things he didn’t want to do. He just wished he could stay in bed all day. Maybe if he didn’t move for long enough, he would cease to exist. 

  
  


Tuffnut made himself get out of bed, though it felt like his limbs were weighed down with boulders that were big enough to put in catapults. He didn’t even bother getting out of his night clothes before going outside to feed his chickens. They acted happy to see him, clambering around his feet, clucking. It actually tugged a bit of a smile onto his face.

“Hey, guys.” Tuffnut bent over, trying to pet all of them though he only had the two hands. “You all sleep well?”

They clucked at him whether they understood his question or not, which was just fine. He liked the sounds they made. Chickens were cute.

While feeding his chickens and getting them fresh water, he thought that maybe he could do this, that maybe he could actually go out and face the day, maybe even talk to his friends. But, as soon as he went back into the gloom of his house, all his energy and motivation left him, the darkness coming back over him. No. No, he figured he would just stay in bed all day. Forget eating too. That wasn’t needed.

Tuffnut climbed back into bed, hoping that the day would forget him.

  
  


In the afternoon, he took a knife to himself. It wasn’t the first time he’d done it, and he didn’t feel like it would be the last. He felt that people would think wrongly of this, that they would think he was doing it because he hated himself. Really, that was only a very small part of the reason. There were times that Tuffnut absolutely loathed himself, but now wasn’t one of those times. He was doing it because he wanted to  _ hurt _ , because wasn’t pain better than feeling absolutely nothing?

His right thigh was covered in scarring from previous cuts he’d made. He felt like the thigh was a good place. No one would be seeing his naked thighs, because no one wanted to see him naked anyway. There was no loved one that he had to try desperately to hide them from. Just as long as he wore pants, (and didn’t get too drunk. He’d taken his pants off while drunk a few times), the scarring, and now the new slashes, would be concealed. 

The pain was good. It burned, and if he cut deep enough, even ached. He knew cutting deep was risky, that there was an important artery in his leg, but he didn’t care. If he hit it and bled out on his floor, so be it.

He didn’t hit it though, which was almost a disappointment. With a sigh, Tuffnut took the towel he’d placed on the bed beside him and pressed it to his leg. He hissed at the pain it caused, watched the blood soak darkly into the blue fabric. It was many minutes before the bleeding stopped. Once it did, he bandaged it, though to be perfectly honest, he wouldn’t mind if the wounds got infected from being left to open air. An infection could kill him, and death wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

  
  


“Ruffnut, how hard is it to let me sleep without disturbing me?” Tuffnut mumbled in upset, again being awoken by someone shaking him.

“It’s not Ruffnut.”

Tuffnut rolled over onto his back to see Hiccup sitting by his bed. He sat up, rubbed blearily at one eye.

“Oh, uh, hey, chief. What is it?” It was dark in his house. He’d slept all afternoon and into the evening. His leg stung.

Hiccup shook his head in exasperation. “We’re friends, Tuff. You know it’s just Hiccup.”

“Okay, ‘just Hiccup’, what do you want?” He wasn’t in the mood for this. Why was Hiccup here? He didn’t care about him. Not anymore. Not now that he had a pregnant wife and an entire village to look after.

“I want to check on you,” Hiccup said as Tuffnut rose from the bed. He went around the room, striking flint together to light a candle, then using that one to light some more. Now there was light in the room, though it was dim and flickering.

“And so you think it’s okay to just come into my house?” Tuffnut asked, turning to face him, hands on his hips. “I had to put up with Ruffnut doing that this morning. I swear, I’m going to put a lock on that door.”

“Well, I haven’t seen you all day,” Hiccup said. “And you seemed gloomy the last time I did.”

“And when was that?”

“Last night,” Hiccup told him. “We talked before dinner, remember?”

Tuffnut shook his head, pacing his bed. “And was it a stimulating conversation, Hiccup? I don’t recall it being so.”

“Well, no.” Hiccup sat back. “You really didn’t say much.”

Then he was looking at Tuffnut’s right thigh, and that’s how Tuffnut realized that he was only in his underwear. He hadn’t put pants back on because he was alone in his own home, and he hadn’t planned on going out that day, or on seeing anyone.

“Tuffnut! What happened to you?!”

Tuffnut hurriedly sat on his bed and pulled a blanket over himself.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Hiccup pointed. “The bandage on your leg.”

“What bandage?”

Hiccup gave an exasperated huff, reaching out and yanking the blanket from Tuffnut before he could stop him, revealing his wounded thigh. Blood had soaked through while he’d been sleeping. Hiccup gestured to it.

“ _ That _ .”

“It’s nothing,” Tuffnut lied.

“There’s blood,” Hiccup said, clearly annoyed that Tuffnut was still pretending there was nothing there, even though he had seen it. Tuffnut didn’t know what to do. Maybe he could come up with a suitable lie. He for sure wasn’t going to tell the truth.

“I fell,” Tuffnut said. “When I was feeding the chickens. They tripped me and I hit my thigh on the edge of the coop.”

Hiccup leaned back, looking skeptical. “You should probably have Gothi look at it.”

Tuffnut stood again. He took Hiccup by the shoulder, having him stand up.

“I don’t need Gothi, and I don’t need you either,” he told him. He started parading Hiccup down the stairs. “In fact, I need you to leave.”

“Wha-? Tuff!” Hiccup threw his hand off of him once he got down the stairs. Tuffnut stood two steps above him, which made him taller. That made him feel good. He was in control here. This  _ was _ his own house. 

Tuffnut didn’t say anything. He just continued shoving Hiccup until he got to the door. He knew Hiccup could fight him off. He was letting him do this, letting him have control because this was his home. Was that the only reason he wasn’t fighting him?

Tuffnut opened the door, threw Hiccup out.

“Tuffnut, I’m just trying to help you!”

“Too fucking late.” Tuffnut slammed the door in his face.

  
  


Tuffnut stood in his room, alone, with the belt in his hands. Seeing Hiccup had shown him what he needed to do. It would be easy. So easy. He just had to wrap the belt around his neck, fasten it tight, and wait till his air left him and he died.

Dying was easy.

Living was hard.

The decision was already made for him.

Tuffnut wrapped the belt around his neck, began to pull it to fasten it, choked a little, and then-

He sat down hard, releasing the belt, letting it, and his death, fall to the floor.

“What am I  _ doing?! _ ” He looked down at his hands, hands he’d used to hurt himself, that he’d just been about to use to  _ kill  _ himself. He looked down at his hurt thigh. What had happened to him? How had he gotten here?

Knowing just who he had to go to, Tuffnut yanked on a pair of pants and ran out of the house.

  
  


Ruffnut had gathered the former Dragon Riders just as Tuffnut had asked. They’d arranged the chairs in a semi circle around Tuffnut, who was sitting as well.

“Why’d you call us here, Ruff?” Snotlout asked.

“Actually, it was me,” Tuffnut said sheepishly. “I…” He couldn’t say it.

They leaned towards him, waiting, earnest.

“I need help,” Tuffnut said after a long time in anticipated silence. “Something’s… wrong with me. I realized that you guys have been right when you told me that I’ve been isolating myself and avoiding people. Here I was with my mind twisted thinking you were all avoiding me, but no. I was doing it. I… I just feel so… hopeless, a-and sad, empty, upset, so many other words for bad feelings!” He grabbed at his hair, which he’d neglected to tie under his chin, and pulled at it. The pain in his scalp was good. He wished he could just rip his hair right out. He was crying and he didn’t really know why. Everything just felt so  _ horrible. _ “I-I miss the dragons, and I miss old Berk, and I miss you guys, I miss not feeling this way…” He took a deep breath, then released a loud sob. He covered his face with his hands. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

Suddenly, he was rushed in a hug. A big one, completely enveloped by five people. He cried harder, but not because it felt bad, but because it felt good, so good. It was excellent to feel their warmth and their bodies, their breaths, to feel them alive against himself. Gods, he was grateful to be alive to feel this again.

“We love you, Tuffnut,” Astrid told him. “We all love you.”

The Dragon Riders echoed her words.

“Bro, whatever this is, we’ll figure it out,” Ruffnut said. “We’ll get you better, alright?”

“Yeah,” Tuffnut agreed, sniffling. “Yeah, that sounds good.”


End file.
